Book learning.
I've been reading a book about guided imagery for treating PTSD. I have yet to actually read the exercises, but I've managed to plow through the first part in no time at all. The first section is essentially all about understanding the nature of trauma and what goes on in the body when it happens and even years afterward. It's making a lot of sense.
It's like I've been so confused about who I am and what went wrong with me, and I've been given a textbook about myself. It explains even the stupid little things, like why I am agitated constantly when I'm out and about and when I'm with my family. I was reading the chapter about when acute stress reactions become PTSD, and the entire thing was a checklist for everything wrong that happened in those few months immediately after the incident. I felt helpless; I denied myself any sort of support from friends/family; I put the blame on myself and thought I deserved it; I froze up and felt really helpless.
I ran this all by my therapist on Friday's visit. I explained that I grabbed the book from the library and didn't know if the whole "guided imagery" thing was total bullshit. She insisted that it wasn't, and urged me to dive in. She said it would help me verbalize what I can't get out right now.
After this, I need to work on either moving out of my parents' house or getting my (Vietnam vet who doesn't believe in PTSD) father to believe I have a medical condition that warrants attention. I'd like to get him to stop blaming me for everything that happened, but I don't want to get my hopes up.
In the meantime, I'll continue being extremely envious of my 4-year-old nephew that has absence seizures that my father actually gives a damn about. If only he would believe that my brain problems are real. I am so fucking pathetic.
It's like I've been so confused about who I am and what went wrong with me, and I've been given a textbook about myself. It explains even the stupid little things, like why I am agitated constantly when I'm out and about and when I'm with my family. I was reading the chapter about when acute stress reactions become PTSD, and the entire thing was a checklist for everything wrong that happened in those few months immediately after the incident. I felt helpless; I denied myself any sort of support from friends/family; I put the blame on myself and thought I deserved it; I froze up and felt really helpless.
I ran this all by my therapist on Friday's visit. I explained that I grabbed the book from the library and didn't know if the whole "guided imagery" thing was total bullshit. She insisted that it wasn't, and urged me to dive in. She said it would help me verbalize what I can't get out right now.
After this, I need to work on either moving out of my parents' house or getting my (Vietnam vet who doesn't believe in PTSD) father to believe I have a medical condition that warrants attention. I'd like to get him to stop blaming me for everything that happened, but I don't want to get my hopes up.
In the meantime, I'll continue being extremely envious of my 4-year-old nephew that has absence seizures that my father actually gives a damn about. If only he would believe that my brain problems are real. I am so fucking pathetic.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home